Divorce Triangulation: How Manipulators Turn Lawyers Against Their Ex

When you think of triangulation in divorce, your mind probably goes to children, relatives, or maybe a new partner being pulled into the drama. But in many high-conflict custody disputes, the third point of the triangle isn’t a family member at all. It’s the family court system itself.

This is what makes high-conflict divorces so draining. A manipulative ex can twist reality just enough to convince even their own lawyer that they’re the “protective parent.” Once that happens, the tools of justice, like the attorney letters, filings, and even court hearings, get turned into weapons. What looks like advocacy on the outside is then a calculated manipulation tactic designed to overwhelm the other parent.

This isn’t just stressful. It’s a sophisticated form of triangulation that can drain finances, stall progress, and keep everyone, including the child, stuck in chaos.

Read More: The Personality Playbook: Recognizing Triangulation as a Strategy

How the Narrative Gets Distorted (Case Study)

Take Sarah and David (names changed for privacy). They had been divorced for two years when custody disputes flared up again. Sarah described herself as the “protective parent” and, in meetings with her lawyer, presented David as reckless, unstable, and even unsafe.

She didn’t have hard evidence of this. What she did have were carefully selected text messages, exaggerated stories, and details taken out of context. To her lawyer, it looked urgent and serious. To David, it was a nightmare.

Without realizing it, Sarah’s lawyer had been pulled into a triangle. One that now placed David on the defensive.

How the Lawyer Gets Used

Instead of Sarah and David working directly on their co-parenting issues, Sarah used her lawyer both as a shield and a legal weapon.

• As a shield: Every conversation had to pass through legal channels. This allowed Sarah to avoid direct accountability and dodge uncomfortable questions. This way, she doesn’t have to face David directly.
• As a legal weapon: Attorney letters and court motions became constant weapons. Even small disagreements were escalated into legal battles. This drained David financially and emotionally.

In this setup, the lawyer unintentionally became the third point of the triangle, legitimizing Sarah’s distorted story and escalating the conflict.

The Ripple Effects

The fallout from this type of triangulation doesn’t stop at the courtroom. It spreads onto the child, on the target (David in this case), and even onto the lawyer. 

1. On the Child: Endless legal disputes meant the child was surrounded by stress instead of stability. Instead of being shielded, they were indirectly pulled into the battle, often showing the same early warning signs seen when children are drawn into adult conflict.
   Research shows that parental alienating behaviors of this kind are extremely harmful. They can be understood as a form of family violence and have long-term consequences for a child’s emotional and psychological development.
2. On David (the Target): He was forced to spend thousands of dollars defending himself against false claims. His time and energy were spent on legal strategy instead of parenting.
   Losing connection with a child is often described as one of the most painful experiences a parent can endure. This is also compounded by the feeling of being controlled or attacked even after the relationship has ended.
   But the toll doesn’t stop with the parent. Even the lawyer, often with good intentions, can get pulled into the manipulator’s narrative.
3. On the Lawyer: At first, the attorney thought they were protecting a child. Over time, inconsistencies emerged, and their credibility with the judge began to weaken. What began as advocacy slid into enabling.
   
   

Why Manipulators Do This: The Psychology

For someone with narcissistic or borderline traits, the courtroom offers a perfect stage. It provides:

• Validation: Having a lawyer who “takes their side” reinforces their narrative.
• Avoidance of Accountability: By hiding behind legal filings, they never have to face direct conflict.
• Power and Control: Court orders and legal threats give the manipulator a false sense of dominance.

As Dr. Craig Childress explains, these patterns are often less about genuine legal issues and more about using authority figures to enforce loyalty and punish rejection.

Protecting Yourself and Your Case

If you believe your ex is using their lawyer as part of a triangulation strategy, here are steps that can help you:

1. Stay Calm and Document: Don’t take the bait. Keep your records clear and organized. Judges care about facts, not emotional reactions. Use Casekey Evidence Organization to track patterns over time.
2. Communicate Through Clear Channels: Tools like parenting apps or email provide a clear record that can be shown in court if needed.
3. Trust the Process: Judges in family courts and experienced family lawyers usually begin to see patterns of over-litigation and exaggerated claims.
4. Support Your Own Lawyer: Give your attorney concise but evidence-based updates. Avoid venting so they can focus on building your case, not untangling your emotions.

Of course, not every custody fight that looks like alienation actually is. Sometimes it’s a mix of conflict, fear, or even real parenting concerns. But when true alienation is happening, experts agree on one thing: the sooner it’s recognized and addressed, the better. Waiting usually makes the situation worse. 

In Conclusion

Triangulation isn’t limited to family members. In high-conflict divorce, the legal system itself can be manipulated into becoming the “third person” in the triangle.

By recognizing this tactic early, staying grounded in facts, and leaning on strong documentation, you reduce the power of distorted narratives. You shift the focus back to where it belongs, on truth, clarity, and the well-being of your child.

References

• Childress, C. (2013). Foundations: An attachment-based model of parental alienation. Oaksong Press.
• Fidler, B. J., & Bala, N. (2010). Children resisting postseparation contact with a parent: Concepts, controversies, and conundrums. Family Court Review, 48(1), 10–47. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2009.01287.x
• Harman, J. J., Kruk, E., & Hines, D. A. (2018). Parental alienating behaviors: An unacknowledged form of family violence. Psychological Bulletin, 144(12), 1275–1299. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000175
• Lee-Maturana, S., Matthewson, M., & Dwan, C. (2020). Understanding Targeted Parents’ Experience of Parental Alienation: A Qualitative Description from Their Own Perspective. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 49(5), 499–516. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2020.1837035