Is Your Ex Using Triangulation Against You? Five Red Flags to Watch For in High-Conflict Divorce

Divorce is painful enough on its own. But when it’s high-conflict, it can feel like you’re fighting an invisible enemy. You know something is wrong. The communication feels twisted. The stories don’t add up. And somehow, you’re always on the defensive. For many parents, it feels less like co-parenting and more like battling shadows.

These dynamics don’t just affect you. They spill over into your children’s lives. What should be simple exchanges about school or schedules can become emotional minefields. Friends or relatives may suddenly take sides without hearing your side of the story. Over time, you begin to feel isolated, exhausted, and unsure of who you can trust.

What you’re facing has a name. And it’s far more common than most realize.

What is Triangulation?

If you’re caught in a custody battle, you may have noticed something unsettling. Your ex doesn’t just argue with you directly. Instead, they involve other people, your children, mutual friends, even extended family, to send messages, stir emotions, or build alliances.

This tactic is called triangulation. In simple terms, it means involving a third person in a conflict between two people. At first, it may seem harmless or even accidental. But in high-conflict divorces, especially where one parent shows traits of narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, triangulation can become a weapon. It creates confusion, spreads misinformation, and leaves you constantly on edge.

This isn’t just frustrating. It’s destructive. Children are forced to juggle adult emotions they’re not ready for. They may feel guilty for wanting time with you or anxious about disappointing the other parent. Over time, these patterns can turn into parental alienation. This is where a child begins rejecting one parent under the influence of the other.

Researchers and clinicians such as Dr. Craig Childress and Linda Gottlieb have studied how these dynamics play out in families. Their findings are clear. When children are used as pawns, the psychological harm can last for years. Recognizing the patterns is the first step in protecting both yourself and your child.

So how can you tell if this dynamic is happening to you? The following five signs are the most common red flags in high-conflict custody cases.

Five Red Flags You’re Being Triangulated

The good news is that triangulation follows recognizable patterns. Once you know what to look for, the tactics become easier to spot and harder for your ex to disguise.

1. Communication Through Third Parties

Instead of speaking to you directly, your ex insists on sending messages through your child, a lawyer, or mutual acquaintances.

For example, your son comes home and says, “Mom says you’re late with child support again.” Or you hear from a friend that your ex is upset about your new partner.

This tactic creates distance and confusion. You’re robbed of the chance to clarify or resolve issues face-to-face. Worse, when children become the messenger, they’re forced into a role that exposes them to adult conflict. Research indicates that children caught in the middle of parental disputes experience higher stress and adjustment problems.

Healthy co-parenting means that adults communicate with each other directly, and not through a child who should be shielded from legal and emotional battles.

2. Gossip and Rumors

If you’ve found yourself suddenly excluded from social circles or feeling judged by people you once trusted, gossip may be at play. A high-conflict ex will often share one-sided stories that paint you as unstable, neglectful, or even dangerous. By controlling the narrative, they isolate you and build sympathy for themselves.

Baker and Darnall’s research highlights this as a common alienation strategy. Targeted parents are vilified, while alienating parents are seen as protective. The effect can be devastating, especially when rumors influence custody evaluations or court opinions.

And how will you know it’s happening to you? Pay attention to whether mutual friends seem “in the know” about your private disputes. That may be a sign your ex is spreading selective information to manipulate perceptions.

3. Children as Messengers or Informants

One of the clearest red flags is when your child appears to have an excessive knowledge about court proceedings, financial disputes, or your personal life. They may ask leading questions like, “Why don’t you pay for things like Dad does?” or “Mom says you only want me because of child support.”

In these cases, your child is being used as both a messenger and an informant. They’re asked to relay information back to the other parent or to carry guilt-inducing statements that pressure your bond.

Dr. Childress describes this dynamic as a “cross-generational coalition,” where the child aligns with one parent against the other. It’s not a natural rejection. It’s manufactured through manipulation. The emotional toll is huge. Children begin to feel they must betray one parent to stay loyal to the other.

4. Alliances and Coalitions

Triangulation often extends beyond the child. Your ex may recruit grandparents, teachers, coaches, or even therapists into their corner. Suddenly, you’re dealing not just with your ex but with an entire network of people who seem to be against you.

Linda Gottlieb emphasizes that these alliances serve one primary purpose: to isolate the targeted parent. By building coalitions, the alienating parent strengthens their control and makes you look like the “outsider.”

This can be especially damaging in custody cases. A teacher or counselor who has heard only one side of the story may unknowingly reinforce the narrative of the alienating parent. That’s why careful documentation and direct communication with professionals are crucial.

5. Constant Defense Mode

The most exhausting sign of triangulation is the endless need to defend yourself. Every action, no matter how small, is twisted into an accusation. You’re late by ten minutes at pickup, and suddenly you’re “irresponsible.” You buy your child a new toy, and now you’re accused of trying to “bribe” them.

Living in a constant state of defense takes a psychological toll. Targeted parents often describe feeling trapped, powerless, and unfairly judged. This stress can bleed into your work, health, and even your ability to be present for your child.

When you notice that nothing you do is ever “good enough” and every action is scrutinized through the lens of suspicion, triangulation is likely at work.

What You Can Do

Spotting the patterns is empowering, but it’s only the first step. Here are some practical strategies to protect yourself and your child:

- Recognize without blaming yourself. Triangulation is a tactic, not a reflection of your worth as a parent.

- Document everything. Keep records of communications, incidents, and how your child is being used in the conflict. Use Casekey Evidence Organization to track patterns over time.

- Set firm boundaries. Refuse to communicate through your child. Redirect messages back to direct channels, even if your ex resists.

- Engage professionals wisely. Seek therapists, evaluators, or attorneys who understand parental alienation and triangulation.

- Protect your child emotionally. Reassure them that it’s okay to love both parents. Make your home a safe space free from conflict.

- Care for yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and maintain your well-being. Resilience helps you show up for your child.

In Conclusion

If you see these signs, trust yourself. Triangulation is real, and it can harm families in deep ways. But you are not without options. Awareness brings focus. And focus will help you act.

Your relationship with your child matters. And with the right help, change is possible. You can break toxic cycles and find steadier ground. Both you and your child deserve that chance.

References

- Baker, A. J. L., & Darnall, D. (2006). Behaviors and Strategies Employed in Parental Alienation: A Survey of Parental Experiences. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 45(1–2), 97–124. https://doi.org/10.1300/J087v45n01_06

- Childress, C. (2013). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA.

- Gottlieb, L. J. (2012). The parental alienation syndrome: A family therapy and collaborative systems approach to amelioration. Charles C Thomas Publisher.

- van Dijk, R., van der Valk, I. E., Deković, M., & Branje, S. (2022). Triangulation and child adjustment after parental divorce: Underlying mechanisms and risk factors. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(7), 1117–1131. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001008

- Vassiliou, D., & Cartwright, G. F. (2001). The Lost Parents’ Perspective on Parental Alienation Syndrome. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 29(3), 181–191. https://doi.org/10.1080/019261801750424307