The Path to Alienation: From Triangulation to a Child’s Rejection
In the last articles, we looked at relationship triangles and the personality playbooks behind them. Now, we focus on the early warning signs that a child is being pulled into this toxic dynamic. Do you think you’ve tried everything to make co-parenting work? And still, it feels like you’re fighting a losing battle? Your ex’s “bad behavior” isn’t just a minor annoyance. It’s a series of calculated actions that are changing your child’s relationship with you. This isn’t just about different parenting styles. It’s actually about a systematic campaign of emotional control that can lead to a severe form of psychological child abuse known as Parental Alienation. This article will help you explain how this happens and how a specific form of this abuse, called Attachment-Based Parental Alienation (AB-PA), harms your child. From Conflict to a Clinical Diagnosis Let’s be clear. Parental Alienation is not simply one parent “badmouthing” the other. It is a complex and severe pathology that resides within your child. It’s created by one parent’s manipulative behaviors. The goal? To turn the child against the other parent. Think of it this way. The child, who once had a healthy, loving relationship with you, suddenly starts to reject you with no legitimate reason. No abuse, no neglect. The child’s rejection is the symptom. The disease is the unhealthy parenting they are being subjected to by the other parent. The American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, the DSM-5, recognises this as a potential form of child psychological abuse (V995.51). Learn More: Evidence Organization helps you sort the real indicators from the noise The Deeper Diagnosis: Attachment-Based Parental Alienation (AB-PA) To truly understand the damage being done, we must turn to the work of Dr. Craig Childress. He frames this pathology through the lens of attachment theory, providing a powerful clinical model called Attachment-Based Parental Alienation (AB-PA). Every child has a primal need to feel safe with their primary caregivers. In the AB-PA model, the alienating parent essentially weaponizes this need. The alienating parent creates a toxic emotional environment where the “price of admission” for the child to receive love and approval is to align with that parent’s distorted view of reality. To maintain this bond with the alienating parent, the child is forced to reject the other parent. It is a tragic act of psychological self-preservation. How Triangulation Creates Alienation: A Cause-and-Effect Relationship Remember the six red flags of perverse triangulation we discussed previously? These are the specific, harmful mechanisms used to create this pathology. Let’s connect the dots. The Unmistakable Harm The psychological damage caused by this process is severe and long-lasting for everyone involved. In Conclusion The path from triangulation to alienation is a predictable one. Recognizing these patterns is not about assigning blame; it is about reaching a correct diagnosis. Only by correctly identifying the pathology can you begin to develop an effective strategy to protect your child and present a clear, evidence-based case to the legal and mental health systems. This is a lonely and confusing battle. But the good news? You don’t have to fight it alone. The first step is to correctly identify what is happening. By recognizing this pathology, you’ve already taken the most critical step. References:
When a Child Becomes a Pawn: The First Signs of Perverse Triangulation
Now that you understand how triangulation often plays out between adults, it’s important to look at what happens when a child is drawn into that dynamic. This is where conflict stops being “just between adults”. It turns into something far more damaging: the child becomes a pawn. We understand how painful it is to see a child caught in tension that they cannot control. Early signs often go unseen, which is why naming them matters. In this article, you’ll look at the earliest warning signs that signal a child is being pulled into the middle. When Conflict Turns Into Abuse This is where everything shifts. What starts as tension between adults shifts into psychological child abuse. Dr. Craig Childress calls this a “perverse triangle,” a setup that distorts the natural boundary between parent and child. Remember, a child is not a friend, not a secret-keeper, and never a weapon to use against the other parent. The danger of a perverse triangle is that it doesn’t begin loudly. It creeps in. Passed notes. Whispered secrets. Subtle pressure. These acts may look harmless, but they are not. So how can you tell when this is happening? Watch for these early red flags. Six Red Flags: How to Spot Perverse Child Triangulation Children rarely say, “I’m being pulled into your conflict”. This is because the signs are subtle. But they matter. Here’s what you need to look out for: 1. The Child as a Messenger This is the most common and seemingly benign form of triangulation. The child is used to carrying messages between parents and absorbs the emotional weight that comes with them. If this happens often, using tools such as Evidence Organization or Case Outliner can help you keep a chronological record of every instance. What it looks like: “Tell your mother the child support is going to be late.” Or, “Ask your father why he won’t answer my calls.” Why it’s harmful: This pulls the child into the middle of the parental conflict. As family therapist Linda Gottlieb notes, when children are used as messengers, they feel trapped in a “loyalty bind”. This makes one parent feel happy about betraying the other. This puts the children in charge of adult problems and emotions they should never have to carry. 2. The Child as a Confidante Here, the parent turns the child into an emotional support system. This role is known as parentification. What it looks like: “I’m so lonely without you. You’re the only one who really understands what I’m going through.” Or, “I can’t stand your father. He’s trying to ruin my life.” Why it’s harmful: Parentification robs a child of their childhood. They learn that their role is to take care of the parents’ emotional needs, a burden no child can carry. This pattern of parentification leads to long-term anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming healthy relationships of their own. 3. The Child as a Spy Here, the child is actively encouraged or pressured to gather information about the other parent’s life. What it looks like: “Who was at your mom’s house? Was she with anyone?” Or, “Did your dad say anything about me? Check his computer and see who he’s been emailing.” Why it’s harmful: The child is forced to spy on a parent they love. This creates pressure to always have something to report and a fear of letting one parent down. It also pulls the child into a painful loyalty conflict. Supporting one parent can feel like betraying the other. The guilt can be so heavy that many children cope by convincing themselves that the targeted parent deserves to be spied on. And instead of feeling safe, the child learns that home is about secrecy and fear. Over time, this pattern has been linked to anxiety and trauma reactions. 4. The Child as an Alibi In this tactic, the parent hides behind the child’s supposed feelings to excuse their choices or block contact. What it looks like: “I can’t make Johnny go with you this weekend. He told me he’s too scared to be at your house.” Or, “The kids don’t want to talk to you on the phone; they’re still upset about what you did.” Why it’s harmful: The child’s feelings are stolen and weaponized. They learn that their emotions are a tool to be used in adult conflicts. This blurs what they truly feel and erodes their sense of self. The child also learns to repress their feelings, knowing that anything they express may upset their parent or be used to harm the target parent. 5. The Child as the “Victim” of Healthy Parenting Here, normal rules or limits are twisted into claims of abuse. What it looks like: A parent removes video games for incomplete chores. The other says, “That’s cruel. Your dad is abusive.” Or, “Your mom just wants control.” Why it’s harmful: This breaks the child’s trust in healthy authority. As Childress notes, the parent frames the healthy parent as the cause of suffering. The child learns to reject structure and sees guidance as punishment. 6. The Child’s Joy as a Threat Here, a child’s happiness with one parent becomes dangerous with the other. What it looks like: A child comes home excited about a fun trip with their dad. The other parent ignores it or says, “It’s easy for him to be fun for a weekend.” Or a gift is reframed as a bribe: “She only bought you that to make up for being mean.” Why it’s harmful: The child learns that joy tied to the other parent will be punished. To keep closeness with both parents, they silence love and excitement. Over time, they question their own feelings. Some may even believe they are only lovable to one parent, which feeds unhealthy dependence. These six red flags may seem small or ordinary. But together, they strip children of safety, trust, and the chance to simply be children. If you’re tracking patterns over time, tools like Evidence Tagging help
From Two to Three: The Basic Math of Relationship Conflict Dynamics
Conflict often shifts from a direct fight between two people (a dyad) to a complex drama involving a third (a triad). Learn the psychology of triangulation, how to spot the dangerous roles (Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor), and steps you can take to move from chaos back to clarity.
