The Path to Alienation: From Triangulation to a Child’s Rejection
In the last articles, we looked at relationship triangles and the personality playbooks behind them. Now, we focus on the early warning signs that a child is being pulled into this toxic dynamic. Do you think you’ve tried everything to make co-parenting work? And still, it feels like you’re fighting a losing battle? Your ex’s “bad behavior” isn’t just a minor annoyance. It’s a series of calculated actions that are changing your child’s relationship with you. This isn’t just about different parenting styles. It’s actually about a systematic campaign of emotional control that can lead to a severe form of psychological child abuse known as Parental Alienation. This article will help you explain how this happens and how a specific form of this abuse, called Attachment-Based Parental Alienation (AB-PA), harms your child. From Conflict to a Clinical Diagnosis Let’s be clear. Parental Alienation is not simply one parent “badmouthing” the other. It is a complex and severe pathology that resides within your child. It’s created by one parent’s manipulative behaviors. The goal? To turn the child against the other parent. Think of it this way. The child, who once had a healthy, loving relationship with you, suddenly starts to reject you with no legitimate reason. No abuse, no neglect. The child’s rejection is the symptom. The disease is the unhealthy parenting they are being subjected to by the other parent. The American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, the DSM-5, recognises this as a potential form of child psychological abuse (V995.51). Learn More: Evidence Organization helps you sort the real indicators from the noise The Deeper Diagnosis: Attachment-Based Parental Alienation (AB-PA) To truly understand the damage being done, we must turn to the work of Dr. Craig Childress. He frames this pathology through the lens of attachment theory, providing a powerful clinical model called Attachment-Based Parental Alienation (AB-PA). Every child has a primal need to feel safe with their primary caregivers. In the AB-PA model, the alienating parent essentially weaponizes this need. The alienating parent creates a toxic emotional environment where the “price of admission” for the child to receive love and approval is to align with that parent’s distorted view of reality. To maintain this bond with the alienating parent, the child is forced to reject the other parent. It is a tragic act of psychological self-preservation. How Triangulation Creates Alienation: A Cause-and-Effect Relationship Remember the six red flags of perverse triangulation we discussed previously? These are the specific, harmful mechanisms used to create this pathology. Let’s connect the dots. The Unmistakable Harm The psychological damage caused by this process is severe and long-lasting for everyone involved. In Conclusion The path from triangulation to alienation is a predictable one. Recognizing these patterns is not about assigning blame; it is about reaching a correct diagnosis. Only by correctly identifying the pathology can you begin to develop an effective strategy to protect your child and present a clear, evidence-based case to the legal and mental health systems. This is a lonely and confusing battle. But the good news? You don’t have to fight it alone. The first step is to correctly identify what is happening. By recognizing this pathology, you’ve already taken the most critical step. References:
When a Child Becomes a Pawn: The First Signs of Perverse Triangulation
Now that you understand how triangulation often plays out between adults, it’s important to look at what happens when a child is drawn into that dynamic. This is where conflict stops being “just between adults”. It turns into something far more damaging: the child becomes a pawn. We understand how painful it is to see a child caught in tension that they cannot control. Early signs often go unseen, which is why naming them matters. In this article, you’ll look at the earliest warning signs that signal a child is being pulled into the middle. When Conflict Turns Into Abuse This is where everything shifts. What starts as tension between adults shifts into psychological child abuse. Dr. Craig Childress calls this a “perverse triangle,” a setup that distorts the natural boundary between parent and child. Remember, a child is not a friend, not a secret-keeper, and never a weapon to use against the other parent. The danger of a perverse triangle is that it doesn’t begin loudly. It creeps in. Passed notes. Whispered secrets. Subtle pressure. These acts may look harmless, but they are not. So how can you tell when this is happening? Watch for these early red flags. Six Red Flags: How to Spot Perverse Child Triangulation Children rarely say, “I’m being pulled into your conflict”. This is because the signs are subtle. But they matter. Here’s what you need to look out for: 1. The Child as a Messenger This is the most common and seemingly benign form of triangulation. The child is used to carrying messages between parents and absorbs the emotional weight that comes with them. If this happens often, using tools such as Evidence Organization or Case Outliner can help you keep a chronological record of every instance. What it looks like: “Tell your mother the child support is going to be late.” Or, “Ask your father why he won’t answer my calls.” Why it’s harmful: This pulls the child into the middle of the parental conflict. As family therapist Linda Gottlieb notes, when children are used as messengers, they feel trapped in a “loyalty bind”. This makes one parent feel happy about betraying the other. This puts the children in charge of adult problems and emotions they should never have to carry. 2. The Child as a Confidante Here, the parent turns the child into an emotional support system. This role is known as parentification. What it looks like: “I’m so lonely without you. You’re the only one who really understands what I’m going through.” Or, “I can’t stand your father. He’s trying to ruin my life.” Why it’s harmful: Parentification robs a child of their childhood. They learn that their role is to take care of the parents’ emotional needs, a burden no child can carry. This pattern of parentification leads to long-term anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming healthy relationships of their own. 3. The Child as a Spy Here, the child is actively encouraged or pressured to gather information about the other parent’s life. What it looks like: “Who was at your mom’s house? Was she with anyone?” Or, “Did your dad say anything about me? Check his computer and see who he’s been emailing.” Why it’s harmful: The child is forced to spy on a parent they love. This creates pressure to always have something to report and a fear of letting one parent down. It also pulls the child into a painful loyalty conflict. Supporting one parent can feel like betraying the other. The guilt can be so heavy that many children cope by convincing themselves that the targeted parent deserves to be spied on. And instead of feeling safe, the child learns that home is about secrecy and fear. Over time, this pattern has been linked to anxiety and trauma reactions. 4. The Child as an Alibi In this tactic, the parent hides behind the child’s supposed feelings to excuse their choices or block contact. What it looks like: “I can’t make Johnny go with you this weekend. He told me he’s too scared to be at your house.” Or, “The kids don’t want to talk to you on the phone; they’re still upset about what you did.” Why it’s harmful: The child’s feelings are stolen and weaponized. They learn that their emotions are a tool to be used in adult conflicts. This blurs what they truly feel and erodes their sense of self. The child also learns to repress their feelings, knowing that anything they express may upset their parent or be used to harm the target parent. 5. The Child as the “Victim” of Healthy Parenting Here, normal rules or limits are twisted into claims of abuse. What it looks like: A parent removes video games for incomplete chores. The other says, “That’s cruel. Your dad is abusive.” Or, “Your mom just wants control.” Why it’s harmful: This breaks the child’s trust in healthy authority. As Childress notes, the parent frames the healthy parent as the cause of suffering. The child learns to reject structure and sees guidance as punishment. 6. The Child’s Joy as a Threat Here, a child’s happiness with one parent becomes dangerous with the other. What it looks like: A child comes home excited about a fun trip with their dad. The other parent ignores it or says, “It’s easy for him to be fun for a weekend.” Or a gift is reframed as a bribe: “She only bought you that to make up for being mean.” Why it’s harmful: The child learns that joy tied to the other parent will be punished. To keep closeness with both parents, they silence love and excitement. Over time, they question their own feelings. Some may even believe they are only lovable to one parent, which feeds unhealthy dependence. These six red flags may seem small or ordinary. But together, they strip children of safety, trust, and the chance to simply be children. If you’re tracking patterns over time, tools like Evidence Tagging help
The Personality Playbook: Recognizing Triangulation as a Strategy
**Disclaimer:** This information is educational and not a clinical diagnosis. A formal diagnosis can only be made by a qualified mental health professional. Imagine this: your ex calls your child into an argument, asking them to “pick a side.” Suddenly, what should be a private dispute has an audience. This tactic has a name. It’s called triangulation. In everyday life, it can happen by accident; venting to a friend, for example. But in high-conflict custody battles, it’s not accidental. It’s a strategy, used over and over to control the story and turn others into allies. Recognizing it is the first step to protecting yourself and your children. Why Triangulation Happens Triangulation isn’t about fixing problems. It’s about filling an emotional gap that the person can’t manage on their own. In people with certain personality disorders, this behavior isn’t random. It’s repeated on purpose. When someone is driven by insecurity, fear of abandonment, or an insatiable need for attention, pulling in a third party serves two purposes: Regulating their inner world: It temporarily eases anxiety, boosts self-esteem, or makes them feel validated. Shifting control of the outer world: It puts them in the spotlight as the victim, hero, or center of attention, while leaving you off-balance. Psychologists group these patterns under “Cluster B” in the DSM-5-TR. In simple words, this refers to people whose behavior tends to be dramatic, emotional, or unpredictable. In high-conflict separations, the playbook usually takes one of three forms: narcissistic, histrionic, or borderline. Each type uses triangulation to meet their own emotional needs. Read More: From Two to Three: The Basic Math of Relationship Conflict Dynamics The Narcissistic Playbook: Triangulation for Supply and Superiority People with narcissistic traits often present as confident, self-assured, and even grandiose. But underneath, they often feel insecure and constantly need praise and attention. This is sometimes called “narcissistic supply.” Without it, they feel empty and insecure. For someone with narcissistic traits, triangulation is one of the easiest ways to get what they want. It gives them attention, validation, and a sense of control. Here’s how they use it: Attention and validation: Pulling in a third party creates an audience. They cast themselves as the “victim” and you as the “villain,” ensuring everyone sees the narrative they want. Control over the story: By standing between you and others, they become the hub of information. This isolates you and forces you to second-guess yourself. Proving superiority: When others are convinced by their story, it reinforces their belief that they are right and powerful. For example, if you ask about a shared financial decision, they might twist it and tell a sibling or friend, ‘They’re trying to undermine me.” If the third party agrees, they use it against you: “Even my brother thinks you’re being unreasonable.” Each step helps them gain control, attention, and emotional validation. The Histrionic Playbook: Triangulation for Drama and Attention People with histrionic traits crave attention. Their worth feels tied to being noticed, admired, or pitied. For them, daily life becomes a stage, and every disagreement can turn into a scene. Triangulation for them is about: Creating dramatic scenes: A small issue is turned into a big scene, pulling in others not to choose sides, but to watch and react. Using reactions as evidence: The emotions from the audience, like sympathy, outrage, or concern, are then used to back up their story. For instance, a small argument about a school activity may become a tearful call to a friend describing “financial cruelty” or “constant disrespect.” The friend’s pity is then reported back to you as proof that you are unreasonable. Unlike narcissists, histronics are less interested in winning allies. Instead, they’re focused on maintaining the spotlight and emotional validation. The Borderline Playbook: Triangulation to Avoid Abandonment Borderline traits are driven less by attention and more by fear of abandonment. Neutral events, such as a late text or a short delay, can be seen as rejection. Even ordinary mistakes are interpreted as signs of being left behind. Key mechanisms include: Splitting: They may split people into “all good” or “all bad.” You become the enemy while someone else is placed in the rescuer role. Testing loyalty: Third parties are pulled in to see if they “take sides.” It’s less about control and more about easing their fear of being abandoned. Creating crises: Ordinary events are blown up so they can call in a “rescuer,” which temporarily soothes their anxiety. For instance, being a few minutes late for child drop-off might trigger frantic calls to a partner or friend. The situation is presented as deliberate cruelty. The rescuer feels compelled to act, which makes the problem seem bigger than it is. From the outside, it looks manipulative. For them, it’s a reactive way to manage fear and distress. Why Recognizing the Playbook Matters When each incident is viewed in isolation, the chaos feels overwhelming. Step back, and the patterns become clear. The tactics repeat, the goals stay the same, and the roles rarely change. Recognizing the playbook helps you: Step back emotionally and respond based on facts, not drama. Avoid the role they assign you in the triangle. Document recurring patterns for credibility over one-off events. The most effective move is simple: don’t play the game. You can’t control the manipulator’s story, but you can control your record and reactions. Immediate actions you can take Document everything: Dates, times, messages, and who was involved. Patterns are stronger than isolated incidents. Keep communication short and written: Limit what can be distorted or weaponized. Build neutral witnesses: Teachers, neighbors, co-workers, and friends who observe interactions firsthand can provide context if needed. Protect your children: Never use them as messengers. Document any attempts to involve them. Organize your evidence: Use a case-management tool or folder to compile timelines for counsel. If you need help structuring patterns clearly, tools like Evidence Organization and Case Outliner can make this process easier and more reliable. Consult an experienced attorney: Preferably someone familiar
From Two to Three: The Basic Math of Relationship Conflict Dynamics
Conflict often shifts from a direct fight between two people (a dyad) to a complex drama involving a third (a triad). Learn the psychology of triangulation, how to spot the dangerous roles (Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor), and steps you can take to move from chaos back to clarity.
