Now that you understand how triangulation often plays out between adults, it’s important to look at what happens when a child is drawn into that dynamic. This is where conflict stops being “just between adults”. It turns into something far more damaging: the child becomes a pawn.
We understand how painful it is to see a child caught in tension that they cannot control. Early signs often go unseen, which is why naming them matters.
In this article, you’ll look at the earliest warning signs that signal a child is being pulled into the middle.
When Conflict Turns Into Abuse
This is where everything shifts. What starts as tension between adults shifts into psychological child abuse. Dr. Craig Childress calls this a “perverse triangle,” a setup that distorts the natural boundary between parent and child. Remember, a child is not a friend, not a secret-keeper, and never a weapon to use against the other parent.
The danger of a perverse triangle is that it doesn’t begin loudly. It creeps in. Passed notes. Whispered secrets. Subtle pressure. These acts may look harmless, but they are not.
So how can you tell when this is happening? Watch for these early red flags.
Six Red Flags: How to Spot Perverse Child Triangulation
Children rarely say, “I’m being pulled into your conflict”. This is because the signs are subtle. But they matter. Here’s what you need to look out for:
1. The Child as a Messenger
This is the most common and seemingly benign form of triangulation. The child is used to carrying messages between parents and absorbs the emotional weight that comes with them.
If this happens often, using tools such as Evidence Organization or Case Outliner can help you keep a chronological record of every instance.
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- What it looks like: “Tell your mother the child support is going to be late.” Or, “Ask your father why he won’t answer my calls.”
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- Why it’s harmful: This pulls the child into the middle of the parental conflict. As family therapist Linda Gottlieb notes, when children are used as messengers, they feel trapped in a “loyalty bind”. This makes one parent feel happy about betraying the other. This puts the children in charge of adult problems and emotions they should never have to carry.
2. The Child as a Confidante
Here, the parent turns the child into an emotional support system. This role is known as parentification.
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- What it looks like: “I’m so lonely without you. You’re the only one who really understands what I’m going through.” Or, “I can’t stand your father. He’s trying to ruin my life.”
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- Why it’s harmful: Parentification robs a child of their childhood. They learn that their role is to take care of the parents’ emotional needs, a burden no child can carry. This pattern of parentification leads to long-term anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming healthy relationships of their own.
3. The Child as a Spy
Here, the child is actively encouraged or pressured to gather information about the other parent’s life.
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- What it looks like: “Who was at your mom’s house? Was she with anyone?” Or, “Did your dad say anything about me? Check his computer and see who he’s been emailing.”
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- Why it’s harmful: The child is forced to spy on a parent they love. This creates pressure to always have something to report and a fear of letting one parent down. It also pulls the child into a painful loyalty conflict. Supporting one parent can feel like betraying the other. The guilt can be so heavy that many children cope by convincing themselves that the targeted parent deserves to be spied on. And instead of feeling safe, the child learns that home is about secrecy and fear. Over time, this pattern has been linked to anxiety and trauma reactions.
4. The Child as an Alibi
In this tactic, the parent hides behind the child’s supposed feelings to excuse their choices or block contact.
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- What it looks like: “I can’t make Johnny go with you this weekend. He told me he’s too scared to be at your house.” Or, “The kids don’t want to talk to you on the phone; they’re still upset about what you did.”
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- Why it’s harmful: The child’s feelings are stolen and weaponized. They learn that their emotions are a tool to be used in adult conflicts. This blurs what they truly feel and erodes their sense of self. The child also learns to repress their feelings, knowing that anything they express may upset their parent or be used to harm the target parent.
5. The Child as the “Victim” of Healthy Parenting
Here, normal rules or limits are twisted into claims of abuse.
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- What it looks like: A parent removes video games for incomplete chores. The other says, “That’s cruel. Your dad is abusive.” Or, “Your mom just wants control.”
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- Why it’s harmful: This breaks the child’s trust in healthy authority. As Childress notes, the parent frames the healthy parent as the cause of suffering. The child learns to reject structure and sees guidance as punishment.
6. The Child’s Joy as a Threat
Here, a child’s happiness with one parent becomes dangerous with the other.
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- What it looks like: A child comes home excited about a fun trip with their dad. The other parent ignores it or says, “It’s easy for him to be fun for a weekend.” Or a gift is reframed as a bribe: “She only bought you that to make up for being mean.”
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- Why it’s harmful: The child learns that joy tied to the other parent will be punished. To keep closeness with both parents, they silence love and excitement. Over time, they question their own feelings. Some may even believe they are only lovable to one parent, which feeds unhealthy dependence.
These six red flags may seem small or ordinary. But together, they strip children of safety, trust, and the chance to simply be children.
If you’re tracking patterns over time, tools like Evidence Tagging help you label each incident clearly so the behaviors don’t blend.
Read More: The Parentified Child: When Triangulation Steals a Childhood
Why This is More Than Just “Bad Co-Parenting”
It is crucial to understand that these behaviors are not simple mistakes or signs of stress. They show a parent pulling a child into their own emotional world. In that moment, the child stops being their own person and begins to become an extension of the parent’s needs.
This pattern builds the conditions for parental alienation. Each act of triangulation is another brick in the wall being built between the child and the parent. Recognizing these patterns for what they are, not isolated incidents, but a strategic campaign of psychological control, is the first and most critical step in protecting your child.
In our next article, we’ll look at what happens when these patterns harden into their most damaging form: parental alienation.
References
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- Childress, C. A. (2015). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Oaksong Press.
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- Childress, C. A. (n.d.). Blog posts. Dr. Craig Childress Blog. Retrieved from https://drcraigchildressblog.com/
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- Gottlieb, L. J. (2012). The parental alienation syndrome: A family therapy and collaborative systems approach to amelioration. Charles C Thomas Publisher.
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- Hooper, L. M. (2007). The Application of Attachment Theory and Family Systems Theory to the Phenomena of Parentification. The Family Journal, 15(3), 217-223. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480707301290 (Original work published 2007)
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- Verhaar, S., Matthewson, M. L., & Bentley, C. (2022). The impact of parental alienating behaviours on the mental health of adults alienated in childhood. Children, 9(4), 475. https://doi.org/10.3390/children9040475
